Updated: Sep 28, 2020
You know, there’s one thing to spend three months on the back porch with God and another to have a hard conversation with your husband. I know, it sounds kind of silly. But the truth is, conversations between me and God are private and I can choose how much I want to honor them. Honestly, who will know if I am disobedient but me and God?
But to look your husband in the eye and tell him what God told you to say knowing that it may not go over so well is a huge leap of faith. It really should be the other way around. I "should" be more concerned about God then I was how my husband would respond which is one of the reasons I was in the predicament I was in. Even at that moment I still did not have God on the throne -- I had my husband there.
So 14 years ago, mid-August, my hubby Jason came home a little bit early so we could have the conversation. As he sat down on the bed, I stood in front of him so I could look him in the eye as I went through what I had been struggling with over the summer. FYI - eye contact is important when you are focused on getting your point across. I even brought up instances over the last year where we had gotten into heated discussions or debates (OK, FIGHTS) because of how I was feeling. I explained how deep my anger, resentment, and bitterness was and how it had boiled over into many of our interactions over the year and what led me to the past three months.
And then I looked at him and said in today God gave me a revelation.
"God told me that I had put everybody in my life up on the throne, his throne and I would interchange them as needed. That no one should be on his throne but him at all times. So from this point forward, everything I do in my life is to go through Him. All of my yeses and all of my no's will come from my prayers and conversations with God. I will not say yes or no to anything until I go to God directly and have him direct my steps. This means, Jason, I’m not here to please you. I’m here to please God."
I wish you could’ve seen the look on Jason‘s face. He doesn’t usually have a whole bunch of expressions. He doesn't wear his feelings or emotions on him like I do, so when he looked at me, lifted his brow, and kind of squinted with a head tilt I could tell he was not understanding how this was going to affect him or impact him. He looked at me and said, "Isn't that the way it is supposed to be? How is that gonna work?"
I told him, honestly, I am not sure. But what I realized was that since our marriage what goes through my head all the time was what is Jason going to think, what is Jason going to think, what is Jason going to think. He still couldn't see how this was wrong. I explained the issue was that I don’t think how does Christi feels. About how this might affect Christi. Or even, what does God want me to do. I’ve basically made you my God. And the thing is, God, the one and only God is not happy with that.
The end result is I’ve lost myself. I’m no longer relevant in this relationship. The two most important relationships in my life and I am not equal or relevant in either one.
Once again Jason wondered how this was all going to work. He is an analytical kind of guy and he wanted to know what the lay of the land was going to be. I explained that though I was not sure how it will all work out I know clearly that God's place is on the throne. That my life will be dictated by Him. He will tell me what I’m to do and it will overflow into everybody else’s life instead of everyone trying to pour into me and then me going to God for what’s missing.
Finally, God told me that some people will not be happy with my responses and if they’re not to tell them to take it up with God. Do not try to defend, do not try to explain or convince.
One more time Jason said so how is that going to work. And I looked at him and said I guess we’ll see. But I want you to know that I’m over my anger, bitterness, resentment. And it’s going to look a lot different around here and I want to thank you for your patience over these past months. He hugged me and held me close told me he loved me. But I knew inside he was just waiting to see how this was all going to pan out.
I know that’s what you’re thinking too!
Next week I will share the first story of my re-entry into my relevance. It involves letting God direct my steps, having a hard conversation, and using my voice with power and grace.