Have you ever felt like you've hit a brick wall mentally, emotionally, and or even spiritually?
You are at a place in your life where you thought everything was going so well but all you feel is empty. But emptiness while striving? Years and years of actions that are not amounting up to what you thought they would. For the past 10, 15, or even 20 years you have been getting things done and all of a sudden that same type of effort is just not cutting it. Suddenly, or it seems suddenly, you feel the impact, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, of hitting the brick wall.
Yeah...me too. It happened 14 years ago. Looking back now I know it had been building and building, but it was mid-May in 2006 when I hit that brick wall.
Before I became a coach before I even knew I wanted to be a coach. Way before I realized from my own coaching practice that most men and women go through this around the age of 35.
I turned 36, 14 years ago. Well, at least I was right on time!
As a homeschool mom at this time, summer is sacred. It is the time of the year you are supposed to be out having fun, enjoying the warm days, and fireflies at night. Not me. All I could do was barely come up for air and when I did I felt overwhelmed, angry, bitter, discontent, struggling and I could not figure out why.
From the outside looking in everything looked normal. Almost perfect. But on the inside, there was a war raging inside of me and I could not put my finger on the cause but I could definitely feel the effects. It was affecting my marriage, my relationship with my children, my health, and my inner peace with God.
To be honest, I was angry with God. I was angry that this seemed so difficult. I was angry that I was not hearing anything from Him. And that is one tough brick wall to hit because it can come with shame and guilt that is bound up in fear.
So, what happened?
Well, about mid-May I wrapped up our homeschooling year. I put a date on the calendar for the 2nd week in August to start preparing for the next year. Once I did that it was like my body stopped. My mind could not think past the very moment I was in.
I stopped wanting everything but answers. I had a hard time with even the most basic tasks. What I know now is that what I was going through was VERY normal. The impact of the brick wall was so severe that I could not even focus on tomorrow much less imagine what could be on the other side. In the series "Rewired" by Joe Dispenza he says, "You cannot create a new future holding onto the emotions of your past".
I didn't know it then but I was holding onto a lot of emotions, limiting beliefs, lies, and half-truths from my past and God was giving me the opportunity to work through them. It is one thing to know what the problem is and another to intentionally do something about it knowing you are going to be doing this alone. And you don't know for how long or if you are going to get the results you want; but what is the alternative? Staying stuck? Wrecking my marriage or my relationships with my kids because I would rather hold onto the things of my past?
I did not want to merely survive my life. I wanted to truly live my life and thrive doing it. I had no idea what the plan was, cause there was not a plan. It was one day at a time faith walk. God said, "I'll see you on the back porch tomorrow. Bring your Bible and a notebook. We have a lot to cover".
So I did...for the entire summer.
Stay tuned to the next stop in my journey to reclaim my relevance.